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July 06, 2020

Quarantine — Day 110

Second mental breakdown

This post is part of an ongoing series in which I document my journey through the COVID-19 quarantine. See Day 1 for full context.

Quick update

I had a terribly unproductive day. Woke up pretty early, meditated, planned my day and then, well, I fell back to sleep. After that, I went to Twitter all day. It was absolutely ridiculous (I’m transcribing this 2 weeks later and can still remember that feeling of regret). I didn’t do anything else. I experienced a lot of anxierty, experienced all the bad feelings for not being good enough, productive, or comparing myself to others. Once again, I’m heavily questining if I should remain on Twitter or leave it all over.

Am I getting any value out of it, though? Has it brought any value to my life so far? It has, Twitter it’s not terrible, but it prevents me from being great at what I want to do. I am privileged enough to not need any of that to do meaningful work (I’m not a politician, public figure, or similar). It has brought me good things, indeed, but it hasn’t allowed me to reached my full potential. It has also damaged my attention and my anxiety has incresed. I can barely focus on something nowdays; but I’ll get better.

Just being aware of this is a great first step. I’m destined to do great, rare, meaningful work, and that will come with deep, focused work only. Twitter is a diservice for my mental health, brain, and concentration. I’ll start visiting it only once a month at much, or consider deleting all over. Will I miss connections? How many of those have been life changing? How many of those “connections” have happened in reality? It’s the lie of a promise that takes a lot to be fulfilled.

I’m no game for this.

Enough.

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I'm Carlos Roso. I'm a Software Engineer and digital nomad at Toptal. Previously Software Architect at Crossover. In love with open source and design.

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